Santa may not deliver this request

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Santa may not deliver this request

Sports

Saturday, 24 December 2011 05:20

Rick Pedone
Sports Editor
Bad news: Some of us are going to be disappointed about our gift requests to Santa. This is the latest update from the North Pole:
Ho, Ho, Ho:
Many of you have requested the 2011 software update for your “Unwatchable Bowl Game” avoidance apps for iPhone, Android and Blackberry systems. Although these apps were written in time to fill all orders, there was a glitch during pre-delivery testing.
The apps overloaded their host systems after scanning the Beef O’Brady’s and the New Era Pinstripe bowls. That glitch intensified upon reaching the Famous Idaho Potato and the Kraft Fight Hunger bowls before the host systems completely immolated (you know, like up in flames) when they attempted to process the BBVA Compass and GoDaddy.com bowls.
Because Santa catches enough heat by falling down chimneys, he said, “no go,” about hauling around a lot of flaming wireless devices tonight.
As a substitute, Santa has approved conveyance of a different app, that being the “College Athletic Directors Guide to Landing an Ethical Football Coach.” Although there is no evidence of this software melting its host device, there is a possibility that the app’s “Sleeze Detector” may not be fully operational given Arizona State’s successful recruitment of Pitt coach Todd Graham last week. Also, Rich Rodriguez and Bobby Petrino keep getting hired.
All other orders appear good to go, so that’s it for now. As always, please don’t feed the reindeer, and go easy on the cookies for the big boy in the red suit. We had to re-enforce the sleigh runners again. Maybe a tossed salad?
Sincerely,
Your friendly North Pole staff.
The Mighty News-Gazette Divine Nine gift list:
No. 1: Timmy Tebow’s Bust’a Move Rap Collection, Vol. I. No. 2: Champagne, for the ’72 Dolphins. No. 3: Bitter Ale, for the 2011 Fins. No. 4: The Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey action figure. No. 5: Elf hats. No. 6: Dwight Howard’s Guide to Shooting Free Throws and Hiring a Moving Service. No. 7: Seven Swans a Swimming (better known as the Bucs offensive line). No. 8: Jaguars season tickets. No. 9: Roast Beast.
Our avoidance app is working, so no unwatchable bowl games for us. It’s all NFL:
Tampa Bay at Carolina (-7): Is it possible that the Grinch stole the Bucs’ 2011 season? Panthers by 8.
Jacksonville at Tennessee (-7.5): Santa figured out that he would need a sleigh the size of North Dakota to bring the Jags what they need to be successful. Too bad that his largest sleigh can barely fit Delaware. Titans by 7.
Miami at NE (-10): Fins will do their part to give Tom Brady and the Pats a very merry gift: the No. 1 seed in the AFC playoffs. Pats by 11.
Giants at Jets (-3): The Jets get three points for home field advantage against the Giants? Does their locker room have a bigger wreath? G-men by 2.
San Diego at Detroit (-2.5): The Chargers belong in the Motor City on Christmas Eve as much as a Prius belongs in the parking lot at UAW headquarters. Lions by 4.
Philly at Dallas (-2): The Grinch will have nothing on Jerry Jones if things don't go well in Dallas today. Green Birds by 3.
Denver (-2) at Buffalo: It seems like the Bills haven’t won since Santa was unpacking after last year’s sleigh ride. Tebows by 2.
Andrew “Flaming Spear” Sullivan’s Super Scorching Holiday Special: FSU over Notre Dame by 10.
Ken “Young” Jackson, blogging at phoulballs.com, adds this merriment: Jets by 3, but I have no idea why; Tebow train gets back on track by a Matt Prater field goal, make it 43 yards.
Last week: Not-So-Silent Knight (4-1, 106-48) and Elderly Elf (4-1, 100-54) wish you a Merry Christmas!